I have been in a very confusing state in my marriage for years, I could not make sense of his contradictory words and behavior and the sabotaging and general stagnant quality of our relationship. Always believing that if I was good enough and modeled the kind of love that I wanted - he would actually notice me. Thinking that he just needed some time to grow and he would eventually SEE me as an individual and want to have a meaningful, reciprocal relationship.
Finally, I have come to realize that if does not have that kind of desire in the core of his being - no matter how hard I try, I can't make it happen.
Why doesn't anyone else talk about this part of the drama?
Am I the only one, or is it just too painful to own this emptiness?
It is common that people, and really men, decide that it takes too much time and energy to make the effort to sort their own emotions and solve conflicts in a cooperative way. The prevailing male attitude is denial of conflict and refusal to understand the other side... For men, retreating into silence and denying the existence of the inevitable marital conflicts is the easy way out; it is fast, and "solves the problem" without confrontation (at least for now) and saves their emotional energy.
When your loved one is swallowing his feelings, denying that there is a conflict to be resolved and locking you out, the result is a lot of unresolved emotions and frustration festering inside.
With communication broken between both of you, he is withdrawing from sharing daily life more and more.
You can even have repetitive cycles of this destructive dance:If it is difficult for a normal husband to read and address the indicators of the emotional gap between his wife and himself, what happens when he gives up and retreats into complete withdrawal? He is not developing into a grown up, married person!
Now he doesn't respond to the obvious challenges of everyday married life; doesn't take ownership of the shared upkeep of the marriage; and finally he develops internal resentment at you and at his present married life.
When choosing to shut up he ends up not knowing how to manage his internal emotional states, and thus how to reach out to you or the children with love and affection. Loneliness and resentment fill the void; extreme frustration can make him use shouting, cursing, or threats of violence when feeling cornered. You have an angry child forced to fulfill the obligations of a grown up, married man, and he is not happy.
The impact of the passive aggressive cycle in your marriage will get even more painful with time.
IF AT FIRST: Your husband could exhibit some indicators of repressed anger:Let's review the worst aspects of passive aggressive behavior, as they could appear in your intimate relationship.
You Can See Your Husband:"When I saw the posting on this web site, I felt that I had to join in, so I could share my experience! After being married to my PA hubby for 18 years (well, I spent 11 of those years trying to make sense of my situation!), I'm now divorcing him after having had a BELLYFUL of his behavior! It took a lot of convincing to realize that he is not intending to change anything, because he can't.
The descriptions I've seen of the PA man describe him very well; in fact, I halfway expected a photo of him to pop up with the description of the PA personality disorder!
The procrastination, the sullenness, the always negative approach to life, the years of unemployment because he couldn't get along with anyone at work, the controlling and manipulating me and our son (even manipulating the marriage counselor to side with him), well, the story goes on, and on, and on.
Now he is spending his brain into stalling as much as he can through the divorce process; I don't care, because it feels like I have been resuscitated in my new single situation...I'm positive, and realistic, and looking ahead to my projects. I'm happy to have discovered that there is life after marriage with a PA man, and I applaud my decision to leave him. It was another of his catastrophic lies, when he was telling me that I was finished after being 50...."
Are you with me now? Can you identify with this picture? IF YES, You don't have to suffer the pain, humiliation, and loneliness one day longer. The sooner you recognize where you are at, the easier it will be to change the situation and avoid looking at divorce as your relief!
You don't have to feel overwhelmed, confused, or hurt one more day! Now you can have the tools you need to function in a difficult relationship. If a person you love reacts to you in a passive aggressive way, there is help. You can learn how to respond to them, how to react in any situation, and how to gain control of your life again!
FIRST: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT: Probably he has learned to hide his anger and act it out in multiple sabotaging ways while he was growing up....and is using with you the only way to relate he knows. Look at his family and observe the way in which they deal with conflicts: do they take time and explore options with the others involved? Or they sulk for ever without explaining their complaints, thinking that speaking is useless because they will be never understood?
SECOND: YOU ARE A PERSON WITH YOUR OWN NEEDS AND GOALS: Look around now and see how many of those goals are part of your life now.....it can be pretty discouraging to observe that your present life does not resemble anything you've planned for....and instead you are engaged in a daily battle for control.
If the point is that you see that there are some plans to do things with him but almost little is accomplished, look back into your previous self, and ask: "Who is the person I wanted to be before?" and: "How can I claim some of these goals for me now?" Keep those goals at hand, write them in a paper that you can see frequently so you can remind yourself of the person you really want to be.
THIRD: THIS IS A MARRIAGE, IT HAS TO BE A SHARED PROJECT WHERE BOTH SIDES ARE RESPONSABLE FOR ITS CARE AND DEVELOPMENT: You will not be able to keep respecting him if the perception is that only you are responsible for the choices that keep alive the relationship...you need to see him engaged, alive, an active participant in this shared endeavor that is the marriage.
I - Learn how to manage the relationship with less stress;
II - Develop a strong system of self-protection from the impact of his behavior on you
"I so don't want a divorce...but in a very real way...my husband has not honored his vows to love me (if he doesn't love himself correctly how can he love me?). His PA is a form of constant abuse as real and cruel as a punch to the face. Honoring our vows is more than just "not getting a divorce." He needed to be loving and supportive, and instead I got this barren life where he even does not talk to me for days.
Now I got to understand that women married to PA husbands need to be "strong, warrior women" who can do the hard thing (teaching them) in a loving way and let them know we won't tolerate this twisted logic any longer and we are in our right to call them out to be better men. It's his call to answer, but now I will not bet my future peace to my married life!"
How many times have your friends said, "Just leave the guy?" This looks like an easy solution, right? Well, not if you still are in love with him. While your friends might have your best interest in mind when they offer advice, they aren't in your position, and they can't provide guidance objectively. As you recognize and respect your true feelings for this person. You know you have seen him at his best, and you know he can be that person again.
Making a break from a passive aggressive person is one solution. But, if you are committed to your relationship, you need to have other options! You must take control of your relationship today. You must learn how to deal with passive aggressive people so they can't torment you anymore. You don't have to be a victim of your love life one more day!
In your heart you know you should learn the skills you need to use in order to be secure and confident in ALL your relationships. You should discover how to be assertive without being aggressive. You should identify ways to defend yourself against all difficult people. This process of retraining yourself and breaking old habits might take time, but the results will show through in your recovered relationships and your improved self-esteem.
By mastering these skills you will never again be a victim to passive aggressive behavior. You can finally free yourself of the emotional roller-coaster ride you've been on; you can learn to trust yourself again as a person with emotional strength, and you can feel, once and for all, truly happy with the person you are.
But, only read this e-book if you are ready for a change. Are you prepared to release your own pent-up feelings of helplessness against life and marriage? Are you ready to stop waiting for him to change; and to take control of your relationship and move it into a whole new direction? If so, this e-book is for you, because there WILL BE change. Your relationship will be different. You will feel secure in your reactions towards him.
He can continue to be as passive aggressive as he wants, but you will not feel that he can damage or control your life, and because of your reaction his need to use this behavior against you is gone!
Do you understand this point clearly? You are destroying his main motivation to use this behavior against you! Now you will look forward to a better future with the person you love. Are you ready for this kind of change?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions it is time to learn how to control your future and discover the secrets to reclaiming your full love life. If you feel trapped in an unhappy relationship, or if you are tired of useless confrontations with your loved one, it is time to make a change, by using the techniques that this ebook and the personalized coaching sessions are offering you.
"The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband" is awesome! I learned some really cool things about human nature and passive aggressive relationships. I was able to see myself in some of the examples, and learn what I was doing to invite his control over me. This e-book discusses hidden insecurities we all have and taught me ways to deal with my own issues, and how to interact with my husband in conflict situations!"
Karen Amos, Washington DC.
One coaching sessions with Coach Nora are included in your purchase!
Nora has experience as coach as well as a trainer, having worked as a family therapist with all kinds of conflict transformation topics. She can give you powerful perspectives to consider when it comes to understanding your situation, focusing on your needs and taking action when planning your future.
Conflict coaching is a person to person process dedicated to help you look at your situation and develop some effective responses to improve it fast. Single coaching sessions help you to do a quick exploration of your marital conflict situation and have a clearer understanding of your choices. As you become aware of your options, you will get the support necessary to make the tight decisions.
Sessions can be delivered over the phone, Skype, or other electronic media. You can also use only email.
Here is Janice's testimonial:
"I have been married 28 years to a passive/aggressive man who kept me thoroughly confused and off center the entire marriage. The worst part was not being able to identify whether the problem was me or him. While in therapy a couple of years ago, my therapist suggested I read some literature about passive/aggressive men. After reading some of your articles and e-books first, and then talking to you personally I finally found peace at last! By putting a name to the problem and researching it as the personality disorder I believe it to be, I am now able to heal and walk away from the relationship without the heartache and pain I have felt so many times when contemplating separation or divorce.
Thank you for all of your research and loving care, Nora!"
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Here's what I want you to do. I want you to open it up, read it for ten minutes as soon as you check out and if after ten minutes you don't feel like you just made one of the best investments of the year then contact me and I'll refund your money promptly to you so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you say yes to this offer today.
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And if you honestly don't feel way better about yourself or way better about your relationship within 48 of checking out just ten minutes of this book, I want you to contact me and I will cheerfully and happily return every penny of your purchase to you. That's how confident I am that this help will be wonderful for you.
That is 30 days for you to read, examine, and implement these valuable strategies in your life. We encourage you to try as many of the tips and techniques as possible. We're convinced that once you see how easy it is to reconnect with your loved one, reclaim your happiness in your love life, and regain your confidence and self-esteem - you will NEVER return this ebook.
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