Too many tech toys, and no talk?

fresque_communicating_devices Too much technology around, and no talk?

Remember the good old personal fights of yesterday? We used any opportunity for expressing ourselves with some shouting and strong words, when frustrated and or/disappointed.  Don't take me wrong, fighting continues being normal for a lot of people...What I see now is that normal, non aggressive people having strong feelings about how they want their most important relationship don’t express them anymore. If suppressing angry verbal confrontations is a good thing, it was because we wanted to replace them with respectful conversations! What you get instead is more passive aggressive responses, wrapped in all kinds of technology, like being busy with cells, computer/tablet screens, TV screens, etc.

Have you experienced the confusion that getting a verbal message like: “I love you” causes in your brain, because he says that at the exact moment he is busy with everything else but you?

Have you noticed that usually there is a thick curtain of technological devices between you and him, like his cell phone (always in a call with someone) his computer (always having to finish something urgent) or the TV, always on?

There are multiple ways in which people unable to confront productively will block normal communications and take refuge on technological crutches. This can be the frequent resource your husband uses when he feels pushed into a deeper emotional conversation he doesn’t want any part in.

If having a good confrontation is positive because clears the air, and allows us to express what we really need now from the other person,it is now being canceled by the use of technology...that distracts us from getting really to the real issue in confrontation. There is always a call, a SMS, a screen to pay attention to...technology is allowing more and more passive aggressive ways of canceling passion and fire from conflicts.

As you’re sitting here, in front of your computer reading this post, many things will cross your mind… I can imagine you matching this list with your personal experience…and finding lots of points in common.

Let's check how many ways technology is hindering communication in your marriage

1) You both have had a discussion, and he leaves for his office. When you try to call him in his cell to close the conversation, he doesn’t answer calls.
2) You think of leaving him a message, but he is not picking up his messages, so you feel like it’s wrong to leave a third one.
3) What is the point of sending him a text message, if no answer?
4) Perhaps an email will pop up on his screen at work? same silence
5) When he gets back home, is it time for his TV favorite program?
6) You feel left out, getting frantic for some response from his side, so you are at this point pressing the talk…and so get accused of “being too emotional,” “losing control” and “unable to think in a logical way.”
7) When you finally get to have some time/space to confront him, he is completely in control, peaceful and calm, and you are a total wreck.

Confusing? You bet!

The truth is that technology provides an elegant, ubiquitous shield to protect a person with passive aggressive tendencies from having to accept and process the messy emotional issues of any relationship. 

If you are the party most needy of feeling a deep personal connection, this technological shield will leave you out in the cold, full of frustrated expectations, and pondering what kind of future is there for you and your too normal wish for intimacy and love. Perhaps you are left wishing that a total blackout will provide the magic of allowing both the time to experience a personal loving connection? We will provide some strategies next time!

Photo: Acreo.se

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