How to Survive in a Sexless Passive Aggressive Marriage

sexless passive aggressive marriage
The issue of a sexless passive aggressive marriage is difficult to understand, looks like a contradiction in terms. Why marry if you don't want sex? It goes deeper...
Sex as a means of control is something many women struggle with in a passive aggressive marriage, although it is a sensitive and private matter that most don’t want to share (understandably). Passive aggressive husbands can almost always get their desired outcome by withholding sex as punishment - it is a punishment that a victim will usually feel guilty about!

If you suspect this is happening to you in your marriage, here are some facts. It’s a simple and unfortunate truth that as a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship, your passive aggressive husband will at some point show no interest in sex, often exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together. Sometimes it might be after a nice day with the kids, or a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant.


So, if it’s passive aggressive punishment, why does there seem to be even less notice than usual? Most often, sex is withheld as punishment because of something that happened during the day that your husband cannot express to you emotionally. It could be that he felt emasculated by you taking control of punishing the children, or that he resents spending money (even when spent on himself, too). The take-away point here is that it usually has NOTHING to do with sex itself. In other words, you don’t need to lie in bed wondering whether you’ve “lost it.”


What happens when you lie awake worrying like this is that the punishment 100% does what it was meant to do. Your husband’s passive punishment turns into something you do to yourself. You punish yourself by telling yourself you’re not thin, attractive, satisfying enough. At that point, he has effectively controlled the situation and your ideas about your own self-worth.


Something wives wonder at this point is how the passive aggressive man views sex. It’s a good question to ask. Something to remember is that for the passive aggressive man, sex means vulnerability (because it’s intimate). He feels that withholding sex will prove his "independence" and hide his fear of rejection.

Stay posted for our next article, on how to fight back against using sex as control! If you want a deep look at the hidden reasons for your husband's avoidance of intimacy, get this Kindle book:  "Escaping The Sexless Marriage: A Practical Manual to Bring Back Intimacy and Trust into a Passive Aggressive Marriage"

Do you need someone to talk to about this or other personally hurtful passive aggressive behaviors? You can have a private, one-on-one conversation with our Conflict Coach, Dr. Nora by visiting here. Your first conversation with her is free.
Dr. Nora

Dr. Nora

Dr. Nora is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Sign up for free, here on her blog, to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Dr. Nora. Visit her coaching site today to receive information about coaching, talk with Dr. Nora and create a plan for action to change your life. She's ready to help!
  1. carol, 06 June, 2012

    how do you convey it’s NOT A PUNISHMENT to with-hold sex, it’s because you feel your worth as an individual,as a woman, as a wife, and as a best friend…. you have been betrayed through ALL of these positions–NOT infidelity…just NO lONGER RESPECTED as you used to be…and you with-hold because your body and soul is held in the highest regard from YOU. Yourself.  NON desrving with something so precious….my Heart, soul, mind and body is not a ‘thing”–a “present”  a “reward for being good.” How do you get that point across to someone who thinks you’re PUNISHING DUE TO BAD BEHAVIOR AND LACK OF RESPECT? 

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