A secure partner is a responsive partner

Loving Woman Embracing Man From Behind At Home

How can we know if a person is a responsive and secure partner?

When we imagine a life together with our chosen person, the main frame of that image has to give us a sense of security.

This security  is an overall sense of confidence in a partner's love and commitment to us. It includes also some expectations concerning the partner being  responsive to our needs. If we feel secure in this sense, we will feel valued and cared for by partners who are emotionally available and responsive to needs, when they happen.

A secure partner is a good responsive person who is willing and capable of perceiving and fulfilling one's needs through thick and thin.  In selecting a life partner, we need to learn whether we can count on them to understand our needs, accept responsibility for our well-being, follow our community's norms about how to care for each other and make themselves emotionally and physically available to us.

What happens when this is not the case? we can then imagine that the person selected has had a childhood experience that left him/her with an anxious or avoidant mindset. Neither will know how to give us the sense of security that makes a marriage a safe haven.

An anxious partner will show additional needs for approval that will color the help they can give us, ("please, make me feel accepted/approved so I can hear your need and help you") or the fear of rejection will make the process of asking for help convoluted and frustrating: we need to ask for help at the same time reassuring the source of such help that he/she can do it...

If you have an avoidant person as partner, once you dare to express your need, you will see your partner keeping a careful distance, or trying to control the emotional climate of the situation ("Calm down and stop crying, so I can hear you"), or changing the subject to something more neutral like the weather, or worst, their own personal needs. This person is so concerned about avoiding rejection or abandonment, that will keep a more controlled distance when more demands for proximity and care are formulated.

There you have it! You can compare the feelings in each case and decide if you have a secure partner, or if your chosen one has work to do in the kind of attachment he/she is bringing to your relationship.

 

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