Rescuing Your Life After a Long PA Marriage

When readers of this blog accept our standing invitation to have a free coaching session, they bring their own stories. Some of them are easier to hear and offer support to; others are heart wrenching.
Which stories are the saddest? The ones that present a woman past her fifties, who has spent most of her married life waiting for the husband to finally change and connect with her in a significant way. Only now are these women discovering certain basic ideas offered here:
  • Passive aggression is learned in childhood;
  • Is a defensive style focusing on how to keep other people away;
  • There is little they can do to change the man they are living with, he must change himself.

After learning these concepts, the perspective of getting old in an empty marriage sets in. It is a moment of truth, where they see their past as gone, their present as painful, and the prospect of their future as filled with the same loneliness.

What can we offer in that situation? What is there to be done? Detach and take care of yourself. This time, the lesson is even more urgent.

Because they have serious deficits, because living your whole life in emotional misery leaves you empty and sad, and angry, the first task is to detach completely of the relationship. Begin to see yourself as worthy of attention, come up with a list of your own unattended needs and do for yourself what you have been waiting him to do all these years. Only then will you be strong enough to work on saving the marriage (if that’s what you still really want).

Fortunately, once you look at your emotional needs, you can see that there are multiple ways of fulfilling the voids. We can begin to offer some ideas, which you can pick from to begin.

Strategies for Self-Care and Recovery:

Make a plan to recover your self-esteem:
Appreciate your resilience up until this time, celebrate yourself and your strength.
Visit and/or work with people and places where you feel appreciated and well received.
Respect your life routine and add extra pleasurable tasks.
Take care of yourself: eat well, do your exercise routine and sleep well.
Have a plan to restore calm and stay self-centered with meditation, yoga or t’ai chi.
Afford yourself meditative walks in nature (or extra time in the garden).
Accept all your feelings and find confidants to share them with.
Place around the house positive images to see when you are feeling lost or sad.
Avoid self-judgements about your “guilt.”
Approve yourself and your decisions every day.
Do something special for yourself every day.
Acknowledge your own accomplishments.
Connect with others using reflective listening.
Learn the meaning of your marital experience lessons, and move on.

For more tips about detachment and what it means, see our other posts:
Detach from Passive Aggression, Kindly!
How do I detach from a passive aggressive husband?

You can also contact one of our coaches for a free coaching session, where you'll receive private, one on one advice about your personal situation and the struggles you're having with detachment and positivity. Call us today!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I'm the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don't have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

  1. Mike, 17 November, 2011

    Thanks, some useful info there, my ex’s passive aggression eventually turned to just outright aggression, i left her with a scarred face, a broken nose, and a damaged finger which will never be the same again.  But i wasn’t aware of the psychological damage until AFTER leaving her, I’m only just starting to get ‘some’ self confidence back after losing my job, my home and my friends for it

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