A Narcissistic Husband Controls His Wife’s Personal Growth
We have here two life purposes that could be seen as in conflict with each other:
a) you want to be happy with your partner;
b) you want also to develop as a person, in all your possibilities.
We have to remember that a narcissistic person has a personality frozen in time, around his first years of life. For him, the repetition of the conditions of his childhood mean only security and refuge. If you see your life and developing and changing, this same perception can be terrifying for him. He doesn’t want to change, and he is afraid of you changing…So, we find sometimes controlling behaviors that tend to keep you around him, all the time. He will try to control your development, doing things to diminish your accomplishments, ignoring your constant learning or ridiculing your progress.
There are some behaviors you can’t explain away:
- Have you found him making jokes about you to his friends? Is he having fun speaking of personal difficulties you can have, as not remembering things or being frequently sick?
- Has he some difficulties appreciating when you do good work?
- Do you feel pushed to fight against decisions made without your will, because he has already decided for you? And, if you try to resist or renegotiate a larger piece of freedom, you find him upset or threatening?
- Do you have to be always accountable to him about your money, or how you spend your time?
- When you want to do something you really love, does he manage to sabotage the activity?
- Do you feel like a puppet, with no personal space to make decisions about your own life?
- Do you aspire to have a personal life where he is not involved?
This Behavior Is Geared Towards Controlling:
- Your self-image;
- Your mind;
- Your resources, like time or money;
- Your connections with loved ones or friends;
- Your life plan, or what you want for your future, (that has to be with him).
How Do You Know If You Are Being Controlled Like a Puppet?
Of course, he can be as needy as he wants, but what about you? how is his attitude shaping your own responses?
- Do you try to avoid conflicts by not doing anything that would cause conflict or make him partner angry?
- Always do what he wants, instead of what you want to do?
- Fear making decisions by yourself, because he will get furious that you dared to think by yourself?
- Really, really believe that there is no life for you outside of this marriage?
Getting to this point, the picture can get depressing…along the way, your own dreams and wishes have been ignored. And you end up forgetting yourself!
Please, remember that along our lives, we have multiple opportunities to remember who we are, the kind of person we want to be and the multiple gifts that we need to use daily to feel that we are accomplishing our life mission.
Nobody was born to be only a puppet of another person’s childhood needs!
Take care, and defend your dreams! If you need some reinforcement of your self-esteem, you can always try: Boosting your self-esteem! with good ideas to repair damage caused by narcissistic partners.