Is it Love Or Marital Control ?

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Are You Under Marital Control? 

Marital control is too common, almost automatic... done by finding ways of putting down the other.

Perhaps we should be teaching this lesson to our 5-year-old daughters, so they grow up aware of what expects them?
They should be expecting an egalitarian situation where they will be revered and loved every day!

Sadly, the list of possible hurtful and humiliation behaviours done by a partner that tries to dominate the other person can be endless, 

and we put them in a list that we call "How to make my partner feel inferior"  including:

  • Criticism of your personal appearance, body shape or clothes or style 
  • Inventing humiliating pet names for you and using them in public
  • Joking about your "personal defects" with his male friends at a party
  • Having always a better opinion to offer about what you think, express or create
  • Accusing you of "being too sensitive" when you mentions your hurt feelings
  • Responding by doing silent treatment when not feeling in control of any situation

Of course, we have all reacted in the same way to these marital control attacks: stay put, calm down, explain to him that such and such behaviour is hurtful, etc...

Or we can feel hurt, withdraw and cry waiting for him to get near, see the damage and apologize.  And next time it happens again, as if the previous one doesn't happened!

You need to understand that you are playing the wrong game! this is not "cooperation and partnership"!
You are being groomed into "submission and obedience." Either you protest or not, doesn't matter because by the fact that you continue inside the relationship, you validate this program.

No argument or protest to him will change the character of the domination on you he is compelled to apply. Of course, he loves you, but love has nothing to do with the cultural imperative for the man to be on top and control the female. and it is done through bit by bit of relentless and continuous humiliations. 

How can you manage yourself here? You need to be sure to take control over yourself, because if you got to believe that you need his approval to be happy you have already lost yourself. 

Get a book on self-esteem, or hire a therapist (no need to tell him  about this just now, ok?) in order to apply this plan:

Survival Step 1:

Have a steel self-esteem: value yourself so well that if there is bad treatment, it doesn't reach you.
Your only reaction should be: "poor so and so, must be sick to say such a thing of me...he/she is not seeing properly."

Survival Step 2:

Suspend all interaction with your partner if he does behave badly.
Just stop, turn your back and leave; don't correct, argue, beg for a better treatment or respond in any way.

Survival Step 3: 

Don't respond, reproach or show any anger.
Control your emotions and go into your own space, do your own thing: listen to your music, write your diary, go for a walk.

Here Is The Lesson For Him:

Your partner needs to see that you are with him if and only if he treats you well.
Otherwise, he is being left alone: you are not there to validate his attempts to coerce or humiliate through obnoxious behaviour.

If you still want to know how to behave, here is more:

Here’s what this advice looks like in action:

IF he is doing his best version of the silent treatment, coming and going without a word...for days

  1. As soon as you discover he is doing cold shoulder, tell yourself: It's not my responsibility, I have done nothing to deserve this, and even worst, is his task to share with me if he feels he has a problem. Don't go after him asking why he looks so upset, please!
  2. As the role left for you is to be the "silenced victim" or "person excluded from conversation," just walk out.
    Make a plan to find people, have fun.
  3. Don't text, message or call your partner.
    If he calls, continue the conversation as if nothing happened and go back to normalcy at home.

It's very clear that our precious company is to be valued and appreciated, otherwise it stops.
Nobody will be there to be humiliated or imposed or put down again.

If he is intelligent enough, he will get the lesson that you don't need, or appreciate, or approve of his control on you by this inhumane method.

More help, more support, more hand-holding?

Sure! that is what we are here for!!! Here is the PERFECT MANUAL!

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