How to be yourself and get your power back!

self-esteem

So many times my female clients ask how they can change their passive aggressive partner…and my only response is: You can’t! You have to be yourself first!

I know, it is discouraging…I would love to have a different answer, but my only one  is still the right one: "You get your power back if you begin changing yourself first!"

And it gets more interesting, because I'm expressing a very basic truth: life keeps us growing up and developing. Either you like it or not, we are in this life to grow, develop, have our life mission fulfilled, and learn, same mandate while being a child, a teen, a young man or woman, or an adult. We never can stay fixed on the people we were when younger, or just married, or before we had children. Life keeps going on ahead; either you accept consciously the inevitable changes, or spend your life ignoring an obvious law of nature.

Have you noticed that people try to fix on some happy or easy moments of their lives, and not move ahead to the next chapter? If they don't want to move on, is it because they are afraid? So, we can ask now:

“One reason why we’re unconsciously afraid to transform our lives is because…(list of feared events here: "I will be alone, abandoned, unloved," etc) Even when is the opposite situation and you are moving towards more peace and self-love, and freedom....fear is there!

And also joy is there...Look at how this reader experiences the challenge of transforming herself without provoking an explosive "volcano in her partner...which

"I an very nervous that by me making the changes and empowering myself making myself happy and start enjoying my life is going to be an extremely long and difficult journey with a volcano or two thrown in. I am not sure I can cope with any more volcanoes but I also feel I have past the point of no return."

The more fear, the more progress you are making, because you are approaching the point of no return! This is the point where you recover your own power and stop preventing your personal growth by being locked into a toxic relationship.

 What is the lesson here?

First, that you can't block your personal development, because is the main life task...we all have to do it. Second, once you decide to develop yourself you can change other people's reactions, because by changing yourself and the messages you send you force others around you to change too!

Any changes we make within ourselves affects all of our closest personal relationships, and especially intimate relationships. Why?

Every relationship has a balance point. It’s the state of relationship in which both people subconsciously agree “this is how things should be and are going to be for us.

When one person decides not to go along with this consensus, she makes permanent and lasting changes when she disrupts the balance point offering only three possible outcomes:

(1) The other person accepts the changes as they are.

This can be either an actual acceptance, or just a desire to not rock the boat. If it’s an actual acceptance, the relationship can reach the balance point again rather quickly. If it’s a desire to not rock the boat, then it will most likely eventually lead to possibility number two:

(2) The relationship ends.

This happens because the changes are so significant that both people can no longer agree on the balance point. Sometimes it’s a literal end, while other times it just means a change of relationship (such as partners becoming friends). It happens because one person made notable changes while the other person was unable or unwilling to.

(3) The other person changes as well.

In an empowered relationship, this means that both people elevate their consciousness, set mew goals for their union, change for the better, and ultimately find a new, more fulfilling balance point. 

Circling back, remember this…

No matter which of those outcomes happens, it's life pushing us to become what we are supposed to be, married or not. Even when it might feel risky, there is no way to avoid this push to develop...we need to accept the fear and push ahead.

So, when we’re afraid to make changes in our lives we have to ask ourselves a very important yet rarely asked question:

How much are you willing to discard old and non satisfactory behaviors to transform your life?

How much will you risk to have all the joy you’ve ever wanted?

OK, now that you know that you want to change your relationship, the basic steps are:

a) identify your deep, real human needs for love and connection

b) decide what is the minimum love and appreciation you need to receive daily to keep alive and grow

c) make a plan to get more of what you need, fear o no fear.

And visualize yourself with all your personal power back!

  1. Susan, 31 August, 2015

    You have to be yourself first! wonderful advice..but is so hard for a person stuck in a passive aggressive relationship…my situation I was in a committed relationship for 2 years ..he broke up with me on 1 year anniversary of meeting…we got back together but he treated me poorly and made me feel it was all my fault..about a month before our infamous anniversary date for the 2nd year..someone on tv used the phrase passive aggressive.. I said whats that ..he explained ….well I got on the internet and read all about the term and realized ….this was my boyfriend to a T …some of the stories of the loveless marriages and the non communication….made me realize I had chosen men like this my whole life……sure enough our anniversary date came up for the 2nd time and guess what HE BROKE UP WITH ME AGAIN…this time was going to be different I was not going to get back together with him after this breakup…..I began a diet on that very day and vowed I would stick to that and put all my focus on that….it’s been 6 months since then and I have lost almost 80 lbs…I joined an online dating site and have had such bad luck finding a partner..BUT I did find a lot of red flags of passive aggressive behavior and I learned to say no a lot and learn that the power to be happy in life was in my hands…I leaned I didn’t have to wait to be happy….at first I thought if only he would change my life would improve…..I haven’t seen him since the breakup but I’m sure he is still his same cold silent suffering self..he did me such a favor by breaking up with me..I could be stuck like so many others in a loveless situation… love your stories and the help and advice you give to others..from that day 6 months ago to today I am such a different person…Yes I am HAPPY with myself ! Thanks

  2. Laura, 01 September, 2015

    I did exactly this. I took my life back after 17 years of marriage. I started doing volunteer work. Going to dinner with friends. Doing whatever made ME happy. And I didn’t shy away from saying no to him. It was always “yes” just to make him happy and keep him from pouting. — He didn’t like any of this. My counselor warned me to be careful. — Anyway, to make a long story short, he lost complete control over me and it got ugly. He picked up a statue and beat himself in the forehead. Called the police and I was arrested. He beat himself so badly that he needed to be taken out in an ambulance and get stitches and a CT scan. Of course it was all my fault. I spent 18 hours in jail and was forced out of my house. I was eventually found not guilty, but he never faced any charges. In his sick mind, he won. In my mind, I am at peace. It’s been 2.5 years and the single life is good!! — The moral of this, be careful!

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