From lots of articles and books that fill my shelves and cover my desk, this is the most original approach to releasing an abusive relationship. Alex Myles, explains why and how she had to become a “gray rock” to escape an abusive relationship with a narcissistic partner. Hers is a new approach, which doesn’t include long sessions with a therapist or empty confrontations with the narcissistic partner…is almost doing nothing!
This is her “how to became a grey rock” strategy, after discovering that her emotions were the source of his energy. How? he needed her admiration, her adoration and constant support, to feel on top of his ego.
What is the basic grey rock strategy? Hear Alex: “So, I gently and delicately weaned my abuser from my emotions…”
“Because I became fully aware of how my behavior was keeping the relationship flourishing in toxicity and I watched in amazement at how it gradually died out as soon as I altered how I responded. So, I made the decision to dim my light so I would fade and discreetly blend into the background. No interesting comments he would destroy with his logic, no witty observations he later would appropriate as his own thoughts…almost nothing coming from the deep thinking department.
I became bland, boring, uninteresting and most of all emotionless. I stopped reacting to everything. The drama that was being played out on the stage in front of me no longer led me to flinch or applaud. To explain it in just a few words, I stopped providing my hungry-for-my-emotions abuser with his much-needed feed. Communication was kept at a minimum and I refrained from attending any social events that I could excuse myself from.
As I changed, so too did the person I was in the relationship with. He eventually became bored with his plaything. I was no longer the prey for the predatory lion. As I played “pretend dead” on the inside, my abuser no longer found me nourishing, attractive and exciting. I became worthless in his eyes and no longer sparked something within him. Doing this behavior, the ego of my abuser was ignored, not stroked, and he was deprived of his usual ego nurturing.
While I continued displaying my boring personality, I needed less energy to put up with his behaviors, and could take better care of my own needs…He began looking around and soon he found someone else who was much more exciting and interesting than me, so he began detaching himself from our relationship. I have pity for the other person, but now that he is gone and the pressure is off from my shoulders, I can focus on having my exciting life back.”