How to detach from the pain of his bad behavior

passive aggressive husbands

The technique of detaching from a passive aggressive husband's behaviors

It's not so frequent to receive a deep, nice email from a person reading this blog and giving feedback...She was reading again and again this post, up until some basic idea clicked in her brain....It was, basically, to force herself to detach.

Was it difficult? Of course! How did she do it? Using this mantra: "his behavior is not against me; it is the only thing he can do," therefore, I' m not taking anything as personal coming from him...

Learning how to detach from the pain of his bad behavior takes some decision and commitment. If you are really at your wit’s end, why not to try this method to regain your sanity?

The first step is to detach:

You need to teach yourself to be detached,  able to see any behavior from your husband in an impersonal way, and to stop taking his faults personally,  (like avoid seeing his  dirty clothes on the floor as a personal affront, or a symbol of how he doesn’t care enough about you, or this image having an impact on your self-esteem, as a good wife.) The best trick is to ignore them/pay a cleaner/kick the clothes to the corner and don't see them.

The second is you should reward behavior you like and completely ignore behavior you don’t:

This means not only stop nagging, but learn to block from your perception the behavior you don’t want.  You become more and more “blind” to that behavior…..and only see what you can appreciate.

If he is doing his usual passive aggressive routine, being silent and leaving you in a vacuum, don’t escalate into a full-blown discussion. Don’t ask for a solution, don’t repeat your question, and don’t issue a deadline. Just go about your life, undisturbed.

The third step is to focus on what can be his present needs and try to solve them, without telling him anything. Is he going through a rough time at work? Has he suffered recently a big loss?
Be there, and say something supportive, coming out of the blue: "It's so difficult to manage in a workplace like yours, full of competition and mean people...I'm proud to see how you manage there." And then keep silent....
Last Note: we all need appreciation
Point out his victim messages. He may beat himself up first so you will feel sorry for him and won’t punish him. Show how his self-defeating talk clouds the issue of his not completing his responsibilities.
Praise him in areas he does do well often to build up his self-confidence, and give him some recognition that probably is past due. And keep stressing your commitment to the relationship and how much you wish if the two of you could work out a process of dealing with daily conflict.
Keeping with the ideas from this past posting, here.

 

 

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