The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband

 Are You Living With A Passive Aggressive Husband?


agresive1It is common that people, and really men, decide that it takes too much time and energy to make the effort to sort their own emotions and solve conflicts in a cooperative way.

The prevailing male attitude is denial of conflict and refusal to understand the other side…

For men, retreating into silence and denying the existence of the inevitable marital conflicts is the easy way out; it is fast, and "solves the problem" without confrontation (at least for now) and saves their emotional energy.

When your loved one is swallowing his feelings, denying that there is a conflict to be resolved and locking you out, the result is a lot of unresolved emotions and frustration festering inside.

With communication broken between both of you, he is withdrawing from sharing daily life more and more.

You can even have repetitive cycles of this destructive dance:

  • You feel lonely and get more emotional, reaching out to him, but he gets more and more emotionally unavailable
  • He watches you becoming upset and thus feels the need to control himself by getting even more “calm and logical”,
  • It makes you more anxious to break the wall around him and be really understood,so you get excited and cry or shout;
  • Then he gets more and more scared of your emotional display and retreats into stony silence;
  • Now you feel utterly rejected and left out. NOW, we have a permanent emotional disconnection.

Let's review the worst aspects of passive aggressive behavior, as they could appear in your intimate relationship.

You Can See Your Husband:

  • Isolating or rejecting you without an obvious reason;
  • Stopping you from expressing your feelings of love or ignoring them;
  • Preventing you from getting your family's or friends' support;
  • Showing sensitivity and caring one minute; hostility and resentment the next;
  • Making negative jokes about you with his friends, while smiling at you the next minute;
  • Attacking you in public with descriptions as "nagging" "controlling" "abusive" "coercive" and other words linked with abuse and control;
  • Unexpected, unprovoked anger attacks, not related to the issue being discussed, but related to the experience he is having of you through his distorted "over-controlled child" lenses;
  • As a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship he will show no interest in sex exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together!

Are you with me now? Can you identify with this picture? IF YES, You don't have to suffer the pain, humiliation, and loneliness one day longer. The sooner you recognize where you are at, the easier it will be to change the situation and avoid looking at divorce as your relief!

Here Is The Plan To Recover:

You don't have to feel overwhelmed, confused, or hurt one more day! Now you can have the tools you need to function in a difficult relationship. If a person you love reacts to you in a passive aggressive way, there is help. You can learn how to respond to them, how to react in any situation, and how to gain control of your life again!

Let's Review The Basic Ideas We Want To Offer Here:

FIRST: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT: Probably he has learned to hide his anger and act it out in multiple sabotaging ways while he was growing up….and is using with you the only way to relate he knows. Look at his family and observe the way in which they deal with conflicts: do they take time and explore options with the others involved? Or they sulk for ever without explaining their complaints, thinking that speaking is useless because they will be never understood?

SECOND: YOU ARE A PERSON WITH YOUR OWN NEEDS AND GOALS: Look around now and see how many of those goals are part of your life now…..it can be pretty discouraging to observe that your present life does not resemble anything you’ve planned for….and instead you are engaged in a daily battle for control.

If the point is that you see that there are some plans to do things with him but almost little is accomplished, look back into your previous self, and ask: “Who is the person I wanted to be before?” and: “How can I claim some of these goals for me now?” Keep those goals at hand, write them in a paper that you can see frequently so you can remind yourself of the person you really want to be.

THIRD: THIS IS A MARRIAGE, A SHARED PROJECT WHERE BOTH SIDES ARE RESPONSABLE FOR ITS CARE AND DEVELOPMENT: You will not be able to keep respecting him if the perception is that only you are responsible for the choices that keep alive the relationship…you need to see him engaged, alive, an active participant in this shared project that is the marriage.

To Survive Being Married To a PA Husband, You Need To:

  1. Preserve your self-confidence and improve your self-esteem.
  2. Focus specifically on solving your needs and desires.
  3. Express yourself in an assertive way, without losing credibility or respect.
  4. Negotiate difficult issues with confidence and ease.
  5. Maintain and respect your own perspectives, without being confused by his “logic.”
  6. Validate your anger and frustrations without letting these feelings control you.
  7. Avoid being the "savior" of destructive personalities/behaviors.
  8. Strengthen your support system.

You can get the useful content of this book here:

“The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband"

 

  1. JWF, 30 September, 2014

    So Sexist! I have experienced all this from a BPD, NPD, Passive Aggressive Woman Too! Thank God I didn’t marry her and got outta the relationship.
    Passive Aggressive Behavior is not a gender biased psychosis. Neither is ignorance or stupidity.
    Your work is good, it sure as heck helped me figure some things out. Or maybe I was just getting in touch with my feminine side? Feminine Psychotic side. LOL!!!! To make it realistic and honest for me I have to put He/She in for gender.

  2. Madeleine Kalas, 20 October, 2014

    Please i want to know why does a passive aggressive husband divorce his wife؟

  3. Nora Femenia, 24 October, 2014

    Hi Madeleine,
    it can be for a few reasons…perhaps you lost your patience with him and now you don’t buy his excuses? Does he now know that you don’t get confused by his words? as soon as you show signals of becoming detached from his behavior, they can resort to upping the ante and threaten with divorce. Needing a new person who would believe their reasons for not doing X or Z? Once you lost your attractiveness as a good, patient victim, you are of no use to him; moreover, now he feels pushed to change what he does. It’s easier to leave you than to change….Keep looking at your best future, plan your life and detach from him…you don’t need him anymore in your life. It can be scary, but is good change!

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